


Lemon for Love; Chamomile for Patience

by Creatortan



Category: Phineas and Ferb
Genre: Bellyaches, Fluff, M/M, Sickfic, canonverse, heinz taking care of perry ;;w;;, just on the line of romantic but can be read as platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-20
Updated: 2016-11-20
Packaged: 2018-09-01 03:22:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,073
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8605345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creatortan/pseuds/Creatortan
Summary: Perry has done a lot of things for his job. He's been through a lot with his nemesis. At this point it's hardly a surprise how much Heinz really cares.





	

**Author's Note:**

> writing this was so peaceful honestly; i havent written in ages so i hope this is okay!!

“How do you like your trap, Perry the Platypus? It’s modeled after the nest of the Central American _Psarocolius montezuma_ , but instead of bananas it’s made out of spare parts I found in my neighbor’s garbage.” 

Perry wriggled around the trap, which appeared to be a pear-shaped cocoon of sorts. Despite the messy, hodgepodge arrangement of the trap, with random wires and old hangars poking out in the structure, it was surprisingly comfortable. Perry gave one last wriggle, already confirming the structural flaw he would later exploit, and wondered what kind of material the inside was lined with, because whatever it was, it was very soft.

“Now, I know what you’re thinking, Perry the Platypus, and _yes,_ it _is_ another bird-related scheme, but this time, it’s different! The birds are coming to me!” Heinz crossed the room to the tarp-covered Inator. He grabbed a hold of the fabric, “Behold! The Bushbird-Collector-Inator!”

When the tarp was ripped away, the machine was revealed; it looked like an old record player, but with an oven as a base and a large metal cage behind it.

“You see, Perry the Platypus, Oculous Clandestinus, also known as the Mafia Bushbird, is a very elusive species of bird. They have an erratic and unpredictable migration pattern, and today, a whole flock of them is going to be flying over Danville! This Inator uses the bushbird’s favorite food, spicy cayenne truffles, to lure them in, where they’ll be sucked into this cage for my bushbird army!

“Now you may be wondering, ‘Why do you want another bird army? Why Mafia Bushbirds?’ Well the answer is simple, Perry the Platypus. Back in Gimmelshtump when I was only a child, a flock of Mafia Bushbirds flew right into our village and stayed for a night or two in the woods. It was this fateful night, my brother Roger accidentally kicked his favorite kickball into the woods, and as he went to retrieve it--an earsplitting scream rang through the night--all of the bushbirds were nesting in the same bush Roger’s ball was in. And Mafia Bushbirds are _very_ territorial.

“Roger hid under his bed for a week! Nothing we did could get him out!” Heinz spun on his heel to face Perry, “Mother even put me in a bushbird costume and threw rocks at me to try and show Roger there was nothing to be afraid of. I think I still have a scar on my neck from it, but I digress.

“Today, as Roger cowers in fear, I, Heinz Doofenshmirtz, will _rip_ the mayoral position right from under his nose! ...Now, let me go get my bushbird costume,” Heinz crossed to the far right of the room, where a bright orange fabric was hanging over a privacy screen.

Perry rolled his eyes. He grabbed the paperclip hidden under his collar with his teeth and expertly spat it out at a tense part of the support rope. The cable snapped instantly and entire structure unraveled and fell to the floor with a crash. You know what they say about weak links.

“What was that!--” Heinz, sans labcoat with his shirt halfway over his head, tripped over the privacy screen as he attempted to see what had happened.

Perry was climbing over the machine, looking for the self-destruct switch. Heinz replaced his shirt and finally looked over at his nemesis.

“Unlucky for you, Perry the Platypus, there _is_ no self-destruct switch!” Heinz appeared sheepish, “I kind of ran out after the Self-Destruct-Switch-Decoy-Inator from last week.”

Perry chattered, exasperated. He was going to have to find another way to disable the machine. Heinz started running towards him, and Perry was looking for a panel to open, when a loud, warbling bird song sounded, startling both of them.

“You’re too late, Perry the Platypus! The bushbirds are here!” Heinz pulled a remote from his pocket, pressing a button. The room suddenly filled with a spicy-chocolate smell. Perry himself was never a spice type of platypus, but he must say, Heinz’s desserts were always irresistible--

Perry felt a lightbulb go off. He climbed into the open oven door. The agent gulped nervously, surrounded with more truffles than he had ever seen in his life. He hesitated, before another bird call snapped him out of it. Steeling his gaze, Perry grabbed a truffle in each hand and got to work.

“Yes! Yes! Come to me, my bird army!” Heinz yelled triumphantly. The huge orange-pink mass of birds swarmed the sky like a second sun, glittering in the light. The flock slowly flew closer, the scent of truffles knocking them off of their original path.

“They’ll be here any second now--” Heinz ran up to the edge of the porch, leaning over the railing in anticipation.

Then, a bird broke away from the flock, back on their actual track. Heinz blinked away his confusion.

“No matter, one less bird in my army--getting rid of the weak ones.”

Then, more birds started leaving the flock, following the one stray. In thick patches, dozens of birds started diverting their attention away from DEI.

“Wait! Wait! No--where are you going!” Heinz followed the flock to the other edge of his porch as they all flew away. Dejected, Heinz turned to walk back into his building.

“I’m not sure how you did it, Perry the Platypus…” Heinz looked around for his nemesis, not seeing the monotreme, “What, a thwart-and-run? Perry the Platypus I thought you’d be better than that.” Then Heinz’s eyes caught on Perry’s hoverjet, still parked in the same place from where it crashed through the ceiling.

“That’s...peculiar…” Perry never left his hoverjet; it was company property. Which meant he was still here….

“Oh Perry the Platypus...hello? Where are you? You’ve already thwarted me; you can come out now. Hello?” Heinz called, mostly confused, but the longer he called the more worried he became.

Heinz neared the Inator in his search, as he was moving passed it, a whiny chatter echoed out from the machine.

“Perry the Platypus?” Heinz peeked into the oven. The platypus was on his side, curled up away from Heinz, occasionally making a rumbling sort of groaning noise. Perry hadn’t reacted to Heinz’s voice.

“Perry?” Heinz was a little quieter, slowly moving towards his nemesis. If he was worried before, he was highly concerned now. “What happened? Are you okay?” Heinz crawled into the machine, kneeling by Perry. The platypus made a pained noise, a single, half-eaten truffle falling from his fuzzy hand.

“Oh! You ate all the truffles to disarm my Inator!” Heinz’s eyes lit up in recognition; he remembered how many truffles were in the machine, realizing that they were probably a good three times Perry’s body weight. Now, Heinz has seen Perry eat an entire cheese wheel bigger than himself, but all of _this_ was probably too much for the platypus. “...and now you have a bellyache!”

Heinz started to panic--he couldn’t just leave his nemesis to suffer like this!

“Um, okay, let’s get you out of here,” Heinz, as gently as he could, lifted Perry into his arms. The platypus immediately turned over to clutch at Heinz’s shirt, face scrunched up in excruciating pain.

Heinz carried Perry over to the couch, where he carefully rested the other onto a pillow and kneeled by him. “Oh no, we’re out of tea! ...NORM!”

“Yes, sir? Do you require more sequins on your costume?”

“Norm, go out and get some chamomile tea! The good brand! And be snappy about it!”

“Anything else? I think we are out of self-destruct switches again.”

“Sure you can get those--but also get some lemon!” Heinz turned back to Perry, face softening. “It’s going to be a while before Norm gets back, so….” Heinz bit his lip, “Oh! I’m going to try something--this always worked on Vanessa when she had bellyaches--but tell me if you want me to stop, okay?”

Perry gave a weak chatter.

Heinz took a deep breath. He rubbed his hands together to make sure they were warm, hoping this would work. He reached his hand out and started to make slow circles on Perry’s stomach.

Heinz gently kneaded Perry’s tummy, watching the other for any change. He sighed in relief when he saw some of the tension fall from Perry’s face. It wasn’t a perfect solution, but it would help until Norm could return. Knowing the robot, it could take anywhere from ten minutes to several hours.

Fortunately, it was only ten minutes.

“I am home!” Norm proclaimed, crashing through the wall.

Heinz’s knees had started to ache from kneeling on the floor, so he had moved positions to instead sit on the couch next to Perry.

“Good, let me see what you got.” With one hand still massaging Perry’s belly, Heinz looked into the plastic grocery bag Norm held out. “Here, make some tea for Perry, Norm.”

“Affirmative, sir!” Norm spun his body around in sections and dutifully marched off to the kitchen.

Thanks to the modifications Heinz made on the coffeemaker, the tea was ready in less than a minute. Norm brought it back in a novelty mug shaped like a kitten.

“Okay, Perry the Platypus, you’re going to have to sit up to drink your tea,” Perry chattered sullenly as Heinz stopped his massaging to help him sit up. Perry gratefully accepted the cute mug, taking small sips.

“Is it helping?” Heinz asked tentatively.

Perry nodded, sighing softly as the warm tea soothed his belly. He didn’t want to admit it, but he might have wanted a belly rub-hot tea combo. When he got back home he’d probably get some from the boys but…

As embarrassing as it was, Heinz was _really_ good at giving belly-rubs. He had nice, long fingers and neatly trimmed nails that were the perfect length. He didn’t rub too hard and gave just the right amount of pressure to the right spots and if Perry weren’t in pain he knows he would’ve probably rolled over onto Heinz’s lap and started aggressively purring on the spot.

Maybe it was for the better he was only drinking the tea. Perry hid his face behind the mug, incredibly flustered at the thought of humiliating himself in front of his nemesis like that.

As Perry drank his tea, Heinz started to calm down from his worry, the two slipping into a comfortable silence. Heinz turned on the TV and an old sitcom played in the background, neither of them really watching it.

Perry felt his eyes get heavy. The pain had completely dissipated about halfway through his mug, and the warmth of both the tea and Heinz sitting next to him was making him drowsy. Perry started to slowly lean over onto Heinz’s side, but before he could fall asleep he heard….his own chattering??

Heinz shot up off the couch, tripping over his feet as he scrambled to where his labcoat lay discarded on the floor, digging into the pockets. The chattering continued on repeat.

“W-wow, I um, would you just, l-look at the time it’s so _late_ \--” Heinz muttered curses to himself, face cherry-red, as he fruitlessly struggled to turn the alarm on his phone off. The chattering finally ceased. Heinz stood with his face in his hands.

Perry raised an eyebrow, amused, wondering when Heinz had recorded him. On the other hand, maybe Perry was a _little_ flattered--but he wouldn’t admit that until he admitted he secretly saves all the surveillance videos from H.Q. of Heinz singing…..which isn’t something he does obviously.

“B-but--” Heinz’s voice was uncomfortably high, and he cleared his throat before continuing, “Anyways, it actually _is_ getting a little late. This...alarm...was set for the cooking class I teach on Tuesdays. Normally it’s for about half an hour after you thwart me so...I don’t know if you have a curfew or a deadline or anything you’re doing but,” Heinz shrugs, grinning awkwardly.

Perry nods. He finishes off his tea, leaving the mug on the coffee table, and pads over to his hoverjet. Heinz shifts awkwardly as he watches Perry step in and buckle up. Perry lifts the hoverjet off of the ground, waving goodbye to Heinz with a smile that might just be a touch too fond.

Perry can’t find it in himself to regret it, not when Heinz lights up with a grin even more dazzling as he waves back excitedly.


End file.
